Mar 3, 2011

and if that weren't enough....

I just love this picture. It is how I feel, flying high and hoping we are gonna land safely.

These days I spiral from feelings of inadequacy to holy-hell I'm a bad ass. Someday N and I will look back on these days with pride and wonderment at the inner strength we have had. My Current Laundry List:

  • N is enrolled in 18 credit hours (Mon-Fri from 8:00-12:00)
  • N is working part time (4 nights a week from 2 or 3 - 10:30)
  • We are running two home businesses, The Wooden Toy Garden, and my own documentation preparation and editing business.
  • T attends school where momma volunteers weekly (at least once)
  • L attends 3 days a week preschool for 3 hours. This is a co-op which means momma has a committee to work on, volunteers for field trips and holidays and parties, and is teach parent approx twice a month.
  • We are preparing to move to a new home.
  • We are remodeling said new home to make it livable.
  • The kids are in a rec program (one day a week each for a few hours)
  • Mommy is taking a religion course every Sat. morn. (9:30-12:00)
  • Various family holiday celebrations, communications with families and friends, playdates, doctors appointments, life
  • We live in poverty
Through the week N leaves at 7:45 am for school. He bike commutes since we are a one car family. (The kids and I bike commute in warmer weather to save gas, and get some great exercise.) In the really cold temperatures I became his chafur, which gave us a few more minutes together each day. N gets home around noon and does homework or sometimes dishes (since our dishwasher broke many months ago, we try to keep up). He leaves at 1:4o or 2:4o for work and than comes home around 10:30 at night (often later) and does homework.
So for 4 days in the week T sees Daddy in the morning for 15 min (she wakes around 7:30) and that's it. N is doing really really really well in school. I am so proud of his effort and commitment. I try to mirror those efforts at home.

The poverty issue I included because it is a massive time factor. When my family has a need (like underwear, not like a new dishwasher) I check freecycle, craigslist, my mom, my friends and as a last resort the thrift stores, but only if I can afford it. Many years I have learned to live without plastic bags, haircuts, pants, aluminum foil, shampoo, etc. In my creative, problem solving brain I sometimes find the absolute joy in the lets-just-see-what-happens. Can we live without it? I believe that my kids would neither identify themselves as have-not's nor would other persons find them lacking. My gifts through this time have been simplicity and family unity, not to be taken lightly. Also the extreme gift of being supported. I am beyond lucky, joyously fortunate! I have a family without which we would be miserable and depleted. I have a community that steps in when I need them to, and is there to lend any hand they have. And let me clarify, by poverty I mean as a family of four we make below poverty levels for a two person family. I read a story today about a poor destitute family of four who were barely making it. They could only feed their children carrots, peanut butter, and applesauce for lunch. My first thought was, "they can afford applesauce?!" They were the poverty stricken ones worthy of a news story and they made over twice what our family made. I am guessing the persons writing the story couldn't imagine anyone surviving/thriving on less.

I cook nutritious, whole, organic foods every meal. We eat GF, DF, Sugar almost-free, processed grains almost-free, and T doesn't eat nuts or chocolate (except at school). All of these food restrictions have helped us to stay healthy and have been guided by our doctor. Picky eaters and all, we are doing it. Once a week we eat dinner with Daddy at work. I organize and purge, and now pack every day. I do the taxes and budget. I laugh and play with the kids alot! We plan our weekly meals and shop once a week (I am hoping to extend at least the planning part to once monthly). I take my Sat. class as a weekly time commitment for myself. It is something I look forward to, and it won't last forever. I tend the chickens, hamster, and cats. I cut hair, trim nails, brush teeth. I am trying to design our new living space and have come up a little empty. I have lots of ideas, but they feel incomplete, they feel separate and uninspired. I haven't had the time for much music making, picture taking, sew happening, scrapbooking, painting, or other artistic enrichment. Today I looked at pictures of a friend's home (I have always admired her style) and felt so inadequate. I know some of it took money but the vast majority of creation came from her brain, her left brain. I am gonna have to find some moments of free time to find my muse. To expand the creativity that has been repressed by To-Do's. I am ready to get my hands beautifully dirty.

So we got a lot....going on, but that is the good news we got a lot....going on!:) I am so excited to be able to remodel a home. To get creative, to watch something come together, to build for a better future. We are moving towards something and that feels so dang powerful.
Today I am trying to live in the present moment of being overwhelmed.

My version of beautifully dirty.

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