Two and a Half weeks

I am working hard to try and stay in a place of gratitude and joy. In some cases it is exceptionally easy. We have always desired to flip houses and are having the divine pleasure of experiencing our own knowledge, abilities, and creativity. We are two and half weeks into our Frat-house-flip. We are intent on making our space livable so we can move in, in a few short weeks, with the hope of continuing to remodel while living there. We are enjoying the process. This last weekend mom came to visit which allowed us to work whenever we could without the kids there. The relief and complete appreciation for the help we have received is overwhelming. So many offers for help that I am feeling a deep adoration for my life and those fabulous people I am allowed to share it with.


I am recording as much as I possibly can, short videos and photos. These I intend to use on our www.woodentoygarden.com blog. We are working hard to fit this remodel into our own green/sustainable focus. While the transformation has been slow going (by my standards) we have achieved so much which is evidenced by the photos. We have filled thousands of holes, patched walls, patched ceilings, scraped the acoustic popcorn off of all the ceilings, taken down a wall, ripped out the carpet, removed the tile, prepped the walls, molding, doors, kitchen cabinets, and ceilings for painting, primed everything, painted the ceilings, repaired and prepped floors, and more. There are so many little details.


Of course all of this in on top of our lives and the kids are missing our focus and attention. This weekend was the longest amount of time that they have been away from us. For four days we worked as hard and long as we possibly could coming home after midnight most days. Of course it was still not as much time as we needed to get done as much as we wanted! Today mom left and I am so tired I am ready to pass out! The kids want my attention and I barely am standing. I want to find a way to sleep and then enjoy my kids. Balance.
I do not want to abandon the value most dear to me. The focus and balance and joy we reach to experience. I also am not sure how not to give that up. I just don't have time! After we move there will be more projects but we will be able to pick when we want to do them and at our own pace rather than our looming moving date.
We are only two and a half weeks in. I keep saying it because it feels like it has been forever and not enough at the same time. I must remind myself that I have more time and I have done so much already.

Ava

So tonight, exhausted from a day of remodeling the new house and being with our children we realized we hadn't planned a dinner. A trip to whole foods was in order. Near the end of our time there, I was engaged in a conversation with Teilee about homeschooling and public schooling. I looked up and realized that a little girl, around 1 years old, across the aisle a few table to our North was grabbing her mothers sleeve and pointing at me. Several times she pointed, so of course I waved and smiled. She lunged toward her mom with a help me sort of fuss. I assumed I had frightened her and so immediately said, "I 'm sorry" to the mom. Than I turned back to Teilee and a second later I see the girl being set on the ground and she is making a mad dash for our table. She walks around and comes right up to me with her arms outstretched in a pick me up move. Apparently the fussing was, "quick mom, quick mom get me down I want to go to her." She climbed into my lap and sat gazing up at me for 10 min. I asked her her name and she pointed to herself and said, "ya". Than she pointed to me, I told her my name was Andi. I asked her parents her name and it was Ava. I introduced her to the kids, they introduced her to their toys, we sang a few songs to her, she showed us her clapping and waving skills. I think she would have sat in my lap gazing at me for an hour, but we had to leave at some point. I took her back to her seat and put her in her booster. She smiled and waved bye and blew me a kiss. Her parents were astounded. They said she has always been social, but never has she so vehemently sought out someone and been that comfortable. I felt so honored. I have been wondering why me? I must have looked like someone she knew, but wouldn't her parents know that that was the case? They said they didn't have a clue why. Maybe Ava saw me parenting the kids and wanted to participate, but she wasn't really interested in the kids, just me. I really do feel special. She made my night!

and if that weren't enough....

I just love this picture. It is how I feel, flying high and hoping we are gonna land safely.

These days I spiral from feelings of inadequacy to holy-hell I'm a bad ass. Someday N and I will look back on these days with pride and wonderment at the inner strength we have had. My Current Laundry List:

• N is enrolled in 18 credit hours (Mon-Fri from 8:00-12:00)
• N is working part time (4 nights a week from 2 or 3 - 10:30)
• We are running two home businesses, The Wooden Toy Garden, and my own documentation preparation and editing business.
• T attends school where momma volunteers weekly (at least once)
• L attends 3 days a week preschool for 3 hours. This is a co-op which means momma has a committee to work on, volunteers for field trips and holidays and parties, and is teach parent approx twice a month.
  
• We are preparing to move to a new home.
  
• We are remodeling said new home to make it livable.
  
• The kids are in a rec program (one day a week each for a few hours)
• Mommy is taking a religion course every Sat. morn. (9:30-12:00)
  
• Various family holiday celebrations, communications with families and friends, playdates, doctors appointments, life
• We live in poverty
  

Through the week N leaves at 7:45 am for school. He bike commutes since we are a one car family. (The kids and I bike commute in warmer weather to save gas, and get some great exercise.) In the really cold temperatures I became his chafur, which gave us a few more minutes together each day. N gets home around noon and does homework or sometimes dishes (since our dishwasher broke many months ago, we try to keep up). He leaves at 1:4o or 2:4o for work and than comes home around 10:30 at night (often later) and does homework.
So for 4 days in the week T sees Daddy in the morning for 15 min (she wakes around 7:30) and that's it. N is doing really really really well in school. I am so proud of his effort and commitment. I try to mirror those efforts at home.

The poverty issue I included because it is a massive time factor. When my family has a need (like underwear, not like a new dishwasher) I check freecycle, craigslist, my mom, my friends and as a last resort the thrift stores, but only if I can afford it. Many years I have learned to live without plastic bags, haircuts, pants, aluminum foil, shampoo, etc. In my creative, problem solving brain I sometimes find the absolute joy in the lets-just-see-what-happens. Can we live without it? I believe that my kids would neither identify themselves as have-not's nor would other persons find them lacking. My gifts through this time have been simplicity and family unity, not to be taken lightly. Also the extreme gift of being supported. I am beyond lucky, joyously fortunate! I have a family without which we would be miserable and depleted. I have a community that steps in when I need them to, and is there to lend any hand they have. And let me clarify, by poverty I mean as a family of four we make below poverty levels for a two person family. I read a story today about a poor destitute family of four who were barely making it. They could only feed their children carrots, peanut butter, and applesauce for lunch. My first thought was, "they can afford applesauce?!" They were the poverty stricken ones worthy of a news story and they made over twice what our family made. I am guessing the persons writing the story couldn't imagine anyone surviving/thriving on less.

I cook nutritious, whole, organic foods every meal. We eat GF, DF, Sugar almost-free, processed grains almost-free, and T doesn't eat nuts or chocolate (except at school). All of these food restrictions have helped us to stay healthy and have been guided by our doctor. Picky eaters and all, we are doing it. Once a week we eat dinner with Daddy at work. I organize and purge, and now pack every day. I do the taxes and budget. I laugh and play with the kids alot! We plan our weekly meals and shop once a week (I am hoping to extend at least the planning part to once monthly). I take my Sat. class as a weekly time commitment for myself. It is something I look forward to, and it won't last forever. I tend the chickens, hamster, and cats. I cut hair, trim nails, brush teeth. I am trying to design our new living space and have come up a little empty. I have lots of ideas, but they feel incomplete, they feel separate and uninspired. I haven't had the time for much music making, picture taking, sew happening, scrapbooking, painting, or other artistic enrichment. Today I looked at pictures of a friend's home (I have always admired her style) and felt so inadequate. I know some of it took money but the vast majority of creation came from her brain, her left brain. I am gonna have to find some moments of free time to find my muse. To expand the creativity that has been repressed by To-Do's. I am ready to get my hands beautifully dirty.

So we got a lot....going on, but that is the good news we got a lot....going on!:) I am so excited to be able to remodel a home. To get creative, to watch something come together, to build for a better future. We are moving towards something and that feels so dang powerful.
Today I am trying to live in the present moment of being overwhelmed.



My version of beautifully dirty.

Cabin Trip

The kids couldn't contain their excitement. We arrived at around 11:00 am on Sunday morning and as Nick and I began to prepare lunch the kids ran around the cabin picking their beds and giving tours to each other. It was last minute, it was quickly researched, it was a short trip, it was heavenly. Middle of the week we happened to sell something and, realizing that we were going to have some insanely busy months ahead, we decided to seize the opportunity (and the extra Moohlah) to escape for some family bonding. Some "us" time. We picked a place in Red Feather that had a cabin available for one night. We called and asked for special last minute pricing. After arriving, and lunching, and relaxing, than we headed out for some fun.

We left warm spring air for winters cool blast. That day, like many others up there was incredibly windy. Beautiful but not the kind of day that you want to go play in the snow.

We had planned to take a sleigh ride and so while we waited Landis tried out some skis that dear friends had loaned to us.


Teilee made a happy little snow burrow to shield her face from the blowing wind/snow.

Our sleigh ride lasted for about 1.5 hours and had a mid stopping point where we had hot chocolate (mine was spiked), and cookies (brought our own GF one's of course).

On the way back the kids got to drive Dic and Doc. "Dic, Doc, step up", and off they went.
After a cold day out, a nice warm evening in (testing their muscle powers).
We had one major kink in our plans, we were sure that there was a kitchenette in the cabin, and upon arriving were informed that there was not. Nick had a full menu planned, with steak and steamed asparagus. Well, there is more than one way to steam asparagus. Fortunately the cabin did have a fridge, a microwave, and a few mugs. Steak was replaced with hot dogs, but otherwise the menu stayed just about the same. (Yes, Nick, your wife IS a genius)

That evening was family game night!!!!


The next morning Teilee made us the "Song Family". What a performance it was!
Before we hit the road Monday morning, around 10:00 am we took one family portrait. A very very very short trip, but a well deserved rest.
One of my favorite characters, that often appears when kids get restless in the car, is Goobleck. Goobleck was thoughtfully wrapped by the children so that he could stay warm for the ride home. Beware, Goobleck is ornery and pretty silly. (Yes, I will do ANYTHING to make my kids laugh.)

That was our cabin trip, wish it could have lasted longer, but there will be another someday.

Cabin Fever

Nick in a moment of complete and absolute relaxation. (Story and more pictures to follow soon)

Full Snow Moon

I love The Spring Creek Children's Garden. Even in Feb. it is a beautiful place. In the summer kids swarm around the giant watering can fountain and play area. In the winter it is peaceful, quiet, serene, and still so so much fun. It is only a short bike ride away on our local trail system.

The kids had the run of the place and of course loved to play in the Dr. Seuss house, aka "the restaurant", where they served up french fries and pancakes. One of the best play opportunities this time of year are with seeds. Seeds for throwing in the creek, seeds for cooking with, seeds for gifting to the fairies. We made our seed pod offering to the fairy garden several times.



Besides spontaneous play, the garden offer classes and plant trading and now an outdoor kitchen for events. We came after Valentines Day and found these lovely hearts hanging from the trees.



The closet homeschooler inside me loves all the educational opportunities. Interactive sundials, information about plants and trees, the months of the year, and so so much more. This time of year it is hard to see the beauty in the sparsity, the brown and gray landscape that surrounds us. I have learned to love it. I love walking through brown and red fields of grasses. I love the anticipation of what is brewing under the earth. The end of winter, beginning of spring is a time of energetic waiting. Such exuberance can be found in the quiet solitude of this season.
The gardens is a grounding space and such a joy to experience. A shining example of how to embrace the seasons and the beauty of each.

Feb. 15th 2011

Today has been another astounding summation of my mothering life. After the excitement of V-day Teilee stayed home from school today. Her stomach was upset and rather than risk it we decided to stay home. Well, early in the day I scrambled to get us ready for mama sing something I hate to miss and had forgotten about until 5 min before it started. We wound up getting dressed, preparing snack and getting there without being terribly late. Sing, snack, home, lunch, nap time, preparing snack for the afternoon and dessert for dinner, and running errands. Then we took advantage of the amazingly beautiful sunny Feb. day and went for a bike ride to our local Spring Creek Gardens (an amazing community garden and horticulture center). They have a great children's garden and classes for kids and adults, an outside kitchen and amazing walking grounds. It is so peaceful and beautiful in the winter. Daddy biked with us there and then went on to work. The kids and I returned home a few hours later and I unpacked and picked up the house before starting dinner. All this with a migraine. Got the kids dinner, did dishes, got T in a bath (Landis will have one tomorrow night). Got the kids ready for bed, cut their hair, trimmed and filed Teilee's nails. Folded and put away 3 loads of laundry with another in the dryer and washer (and 2 more waiting to be done). Then I blogged while downloading the pictures from the camera into the computer. Now it is 11:00 pm. I am exhausted, falling asleep standing up tired. While today was an amazingly fun fun fun day absolutely nothing notable gets checked off my to-do list. The house (despite efforts) is still a mess, there is still laundry and dishes, and everything that NEEDS to be done still NEEDS to be done. Taxes, my other 2 home businesses, uncluttering, planning, packing, returning emails and phone calls, sending the mail, registering, research, paperwork, etc..... is still left to do. Plus no one will really notice what I DID do. No one will really notice that the kids hair is 1/2 inch shorter (yet out of the eyes now), no one will see T's polished fingernails or that I gave her her nightly massage therapy (for her toe-walking). No one will realize that there were three loads of dishes that were washed and put away, or that their pants, shirts, socks, etc... were folded and put away. Ahhhhhhh. While doing all of these unnoticeable tasks the kids complained and whined and, like all children, only notice what I don't do.
I explained it to Nick in grocery terms. Imagine stocking shelves all day, mopping floors, clearing out backstock, tending to customers while your boss constantly complained that you weren't doing the other thing that they wish you were doing instead. Tending to a customer by pushing their cart while they whined that it should be a bigger cart, roll faster, and why can't you just make it fly. Doing all this while trying to always speak kindly, be playful and fun, address each comment/complaint/statement and always know exactly what to say. Also you must find extreme gratitude for the opportunity to serve this complaining customer and your dissatisfied boss. Then you finish the cleaning and stocking to find yourself extremely exhausted (like you've never felt in your life). You clock out, ready to have glass of wine or just brush your teeth and go to bed, when you walk through the store on your way out you realize that everything you did throughout the day has been undone. Groceries are everywhere, the floor is a mess, the backstock is piling up, and tomorrow you have to start all over again without ever getting to make any real progress towards restocking or that remodeling project you wish you could get to to make your life easier.
Whew.....that is why mothers often feel so unappreciated, lonely, and frustrated by the task. Today I feel all of this but I have the extreme pleasure to say that emotion does NOT find itself a lasting position. I had an AMAZING day. I LOVED getting to be with both of my children, eating dinner with them, biking to the local garden, getting to read to them. I feel so fullfilled. Why? I have let go of the expectation that I will 'catch up'. I am learning to shut out others disappointment in my inability to prioritize them. I am a good person, a good friend, a good daughter, a good wife, a good mother. But....what comes first right now is that last one, being mom. I am sorry that I may not return your call, or email, I may procrastinate my obligation to work on something for a business, or for the kids schools or whatever. I assure everyone, including myself, that what I am replacing those 'obligations' with are these opportunities and memories that are so much more important and fulfilling and valuable. I refuse to feel guilty for that! As long as I remember that joy, that blessing of these experiences, and breathe in each moment the exhaustion will be a welcome friend.